America made me a new person and that is what I needed. My old Life made me sick. I was sick. Now I feel good, energetic, like I can achieve everything I want, like I am a new me.
Back in germany I was suffering from bulumia and depression, I spend my free time mstly in bed, feeling sad and lonely, eating unhealthy foods and then throwing up afterwards, having Sex with random guys to numb myself,crying and hating myself. These days are over.
After almost a year in America, living in a different family, spending time with new people and experiencing a whole different world I made it and I became a new me.
Of course it didn't just happen the moment i left the plane and started my new life in America, but already then I knew this was gonna be good for me.
I had the really strong will to make this happen and to become healthy. The maybe biggest reason, why I knew I really had to work it out was, that I knew if my hostfamily would find out, what I was doing, they would send me home and taht was the last thing I wanted and I knew, if I kept on doing it earlier or later they would find out.
I made it for about a half a year with approximately half the days heathy and half the days throwing up, which is not good, but still better than it had been the past years in germany.
Then I met him. I don't like to admit it, because I am the kind of person who is always trying to be strong for myself and not for anybody else. I do not like that fact, but it was him who really changed everything. The half year before I met him I had already had sex with 5 guys that all made me unhappy, that all made me want to throw up after i was with them. He was just very kind from the first moment, he was different.
I thought he would just be a friend, that was what i was looking for in that moment. Nothing more than a friend. I didn't even wanted anybody to fuck anymore, like i did before. But he wanted more. and at the third date, when we were making out in the river and then later in the car i knew I wanted more too so we did it. And only a few days later we met at starbucks to cancel my flights and I went on the trip of my life with him. 4 weeks of driving in his old car with no airconditioning, sleeping in the heat in the car, having awesome sex in restareas with other cars parked next to ours, even while driving. It was exactly what I have always wanted and without even thinking about it, I was able to eat. I could eat and stop when I was full or i could even eat a little too much and feel really full but just let it pass wothout getting rid of all the food in the bathroom woth my face in the toilette. It has been half a year since then and I can't say i didn't throw up at all since then, but it has been as little as it hadn't been since i did it the first time.I might have thrown up approximately 10 times in half a year and taht is a great achievement for me.
Now that my thoughts are not constantly circling around food and throwing up I have time to really get my life on track. I started learning spanish and I think I am doing quite well. I exercise not quite as much as i wish i would but a decent amout of times. I eat healthy most of the times and even if i eat a little too much, or maybe even a lot too much i don't lose control anymore the way i used to do.
Now that I know how I can improve myself I am constantly trying to get a better person. I am trying to educate myself, especiallly with language learning. I am trying to make some money in my free time through freelancing so i can save money for traveling. I am trying to eat even better and exercise more and I am trying to keep my mind healthy with meditation and yoga.
This is what this will be about. I am ready now to leave the old me behind completely and to focus on the things I want to improve in myslef to keep getting a beteter me, because I know I can.
I know I am strong enough and that my will is strong enpugh and that even if I fail an fail and fail i just have to keep trying then I will get where I want to get.
